this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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