Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
