i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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