my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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