I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
