well I can't set my house on fire every night
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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