We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
