Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
