There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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