You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
