4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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