you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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