I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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