Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize