He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
