Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
