I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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