Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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