My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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