Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
