I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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