My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
