Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
