An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
