Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
