remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
