Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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