my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize