Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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