The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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