good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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