I just threw up on my dentist
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
