Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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