Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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