you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
