I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
