dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
