speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
