I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
