I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
