I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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