She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
it's like iHOP with fire
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
