I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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