I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my being single is dangerous.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have aggressive nipples.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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