she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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