Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
