final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
