I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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