the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
