well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
