I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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