Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Dicks are not precious.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
