so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
