Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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