Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
