afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
