You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
