you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize