I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
