dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
