Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
