he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
